Friday, February 24, 2012

Good dream, bad dream

I dreamed I got out of bed in the middle of the night and went into the bathroom to put water on my face.

As I looked up, groping for a towel to wipe my face, there, standing at the sink right next to me, we don’t have two sinks in our bathroom, was Ian, looking just like himself in one of the plaid flannel shirts
I bought him, stretched tautly over his deliciously- broad shoulders, and blue jeans and his blue eyes.

He was just standing there, casually looking into the mirror, as if he had been there all his life. 

I screamed and threw myself at him.

“What are you doing here,” I shrieked. “How did you get here?”

“I wanted to surprise you,” he said, as calmly and evenly as he says just about everything.

I should have known right there that this was a dream because surprising people, or planning anything ahead of time, is not Ian’s style, but I wanted so much for this dream to be true I ignored all of that.

And I held him, just held him, until I woke up and he was not here.

Damn.

19 comments:

Heidi said...

Dang you write beautifully.

Anonymous said...

that man has GOT to get back home into your arms.

awful.

frowny face.

i feel for you.

from Liz in NJ, but actually now moved to MA, so from Liz in MA xo

AdrianneP said...

Those dreams scare the hell out of me! I would have called him up immediately, crying my eyes out, hoping and praying and begging that he was still alive. Too many Lifetime Movies, perhaps. I *hate* those dreams! Though, seriously, they are fantastic and feel great, they scare the hell out of me!

I hope he's home soon.
Adrianne

Emma said...

That dream is a lovely prelude of what is to come (very soon!)

Sheri said...

Ugh that sucks. I really hope he gets home to you soon. xo

Sue Kol said...

Damn! For most of that post I thought he really did come home. Here's Wishing it is very, very soon.

Anonymous said...

When I was away from my husband for 1 1/2 years every cell in my body ached for his presence. The nerves in my skin seemed too sensitive to the touch that I couldn't feel. Sometimes I would hug myself as tight as I could and cry, wishing that he was there to hold me. It was a type of pain that I can't really put words to.

The day that he finally came home was surreal. I was at the airport waiting and his plane was delayed. It was almost like a cruel joke and he wasn't actually going to be there. Then I suddenly saw his feet coming down the stairs when everyone else was using the escalator. Ever the rebel- even in little ways. It seemed like he would never get to me. Like the dream when you're running to get to someone, but no matter how hard you try you can't reach them. When he finally reached me he wrapped his arms around me and I put my face into his neck with my arms around him. I've never been able to get enough of his perfect masculine scent. He let out this sound. Part relief, part primal protection- like there wasn't a force in nature that could make him let me go. We just stood like that, oblivious to the fact that everyone was watching us. We realized that we had little arms wrapped around our legs. We looked down at one of our (then) toddlers holding onto us. He reached down and scooped him up in his arms, kissed his little face, held my hand and we walked to the car. I kept waiting to wake up, sure that I must be dreaming, but it was real.

I know what you're going through being alone raising kids. Missing your husband and the way that he looks just standing there. The way that he moves when he does -everything, the way that he smells, smiles, holds you. The list just goes on and on. I'll never forget how hard it was to be away from my husband and learned a lot from those days of doing everything on my own.

I'm going to go bury my face in my husbands neck now and wrap my arms around him. I'll do it for an extra long time thinking of you and your need to be held by your husband.

I hope that Ian gets home to all of you soon.

KiminAZ

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Rachael said...

my husband is working away from home as well. he's only 3 hours away though as opposed to an entire country. We have three daughters from 13-6 and a 3 month old baby and some nights i cant help but just sit outside and cry . i know in my mind it will end eventually it just doesn't SEEM that way.

Johanna said...

premonition dream...he's going to be home soon :-)

Liz said...

Tears.... I agree with Johanna, it's definitely a premonition. Can't wait to read that post!

Betsy said...

KiminAZ: You and your husband sound so much like eternal newlyweds. I like that about you. It's inspiring and familiar all at once. And I know well that feeling of aching for your loved one's presence. It is hard to express, and somehow scary to express, for me at least.

Betsy said...

I'm going for the premonition theory as well. Perhaps my subconscious is preparing itself for our reunion....

Anonymous said...

Thank you for your compliment, Betsy. I guess that in some ways we are like eternal newlyweds. I think that it's because we have a lot of kids and stress comes along with that. To compensate we try to keep focused on each other in specific ways. Besides that, we truly love each other. Our love is very real and honest. It's interesting, because the way that you talk about Ian always makes me view your relationship in a similar light. Less kids than us, but the same kind of love.

It's hard to express needing someone so much. I don't know about you, but it makes me feel weak. I felt like everyone needed me and demanded my attention. At the time I felt overwhelmed and wanted to be taken care of instead of having to be the strong one. It was a scary time for me. Everything felt so uncertain and it felt like my life was hanging in the balance. It also seemed like it would never end.

I hope that you get some good news about Ian coming home soon. How did the farmhouse come along? It was such a beautiful old house and the work Ian did on it was stunning.

KiminAZ

Lady Jennie said...

Oh wow - so much to catch up on here. I skimmed back to find out where Ian is.

I suppose you can't just marry the fellow ... but no, it doesn't work that way. I know.

But you were in France. And you have a beautiful farm!

Lady Jennie said...

Oops - you ARE married. Now I'm really confused. Immigration never used to be that bad.

Betsy said...

I could see why you are confused. Abridged version: We are married. He's a Brit, got a green card, lived here in Vermont USA together for 15 years or so before moving to Burgundy to fix up a farmhouse. We lived there all together for two years, and realized while we were there that Ian had compromised his resident alien status by being out of America for too long. Oops. I and the girls came home to repossess our house which was being rented by hooligans and Ian has been trying to get back ever since. He is now waiting for the U.S. Embassy in Paris to schedule him a visa interview. Of course the interviewer first has to get back from lunch. :) Mon dieu. quelle disastre

Betsy said...

Oh. It's complicated. We are married. Green card expired while we were living in Burgundy for two years. The girls and I left last May, have been waiting and petitioning etc, for Ian to be granted a visa ever since.....

Kathleen Trail said...

Don't you wish your dreams were like Tivo, where you could replay the good ones over and over at will... Those TV scientists need to get crackin' on that for you as soon as they can.