Tuesday, June 01, 2010

Restless




I just found this in my journal. I don't remember writing it, though it was dated just one month ago:

I walk and I walk and I walk and I walk.

I try to walk away.

It's not possible.

I’m always here.

Still here, still here, still here.

Mommy

Mommy

Mommy

I can't forget who I am.

For a minute.

Mommy Mommy Mommy

And I can't forget my stomach,

pushing so defiantly against my waist band.

And how it once was:

Taut,

always leaving space--

never straining.

Never hanging loose.

Oh God, no.

So I walk I walk I walk I walk.

Moving.

Ignoring.

Resisting the urge to stay put.

A good wife, with my thumb in the hole,

catching the leaves of our messy life

that just keep dropping, and dropping.

They never stop

dropping.


An ode to vanity, perhaps? But I'm thinking that, having been an athlete for so many years, my body may be the one thing in my life I have felt I had any control over. You think pregnancy would have set me straight there. Hah. And now, it seems, I'm getting a good talking to. I'm not listening-- fingers in ears, lalalalalalalalalalalalalalala!



7 comments:

Marathon Mommy said...

Vanity? No. Sanity? Yes. I don't think vanity has much to do with it Betsy.

I find it interesting that as women we spend the better part of our younger years fighting to define who we are...athlete, scholar, professional, etc. We proudly wear these labels we have created for ourselves. And then, the moment we become mothers we are suddenly and forever redefined. Those identities we trained and studied and worked so hard for seem to disappear the moment our children are placed in our arms...

I often struggle with finding my new, redefined self. But I am learning that tapping into the shadows of that person I worked so hard to become all those years ago makes me an even better mother today. I think there is room to add "Mother" to our old labels and identities, no?

Emma said...

It is very hard to be comfortable with our 'mother' bodies. But we should all feel like superwomen. After spending 3 weeks on prac at the hospital in the birthing unit and the postnatal ward I have seen women do amazing things to birth their babies. Awe inspiring and humbling and makes me feel a bit better about my saggy boobs! ;)

Emma said...

PS- thanks for stopping by my blog, and thanks for your encouragement.

Betsy said...

Marathon Mommy: Funny how sanity rhymes with vanity.
Emma: You do have the advantage of a unique perspective. Watching, from the front row, women give birth must be an amazing education.

-alex said...

Wherever you go there you are? Not trying to be sarcastic, but when I read your post that was the first thing that popped into my mind. That, and my saddlebag thighs that push defiantly against my pants.

Many thanks for stopping by my blog as well.

Karin (an alien parisienne) said...

Amen to the other comments. I agree: sanity not vanity. It's just where the old bean has to go when processing and accepting change, I think. I like how your writing captures just how it is, too. :)

Betsy said...

"Wherever you go, there you are." It's Buckaroo Bonzai again. I know I'm not spelling that right.